This is me now- happier AND healthier....

 

I’m about 45 lbs heavier here than I am now…

Like everyone one of us, I have a story that shaped the woman I have become today…   

Perhaps you will find something you can identify with and parallel to your own story. My story isn’t over at all; I like to think I’m in the middle of the book somewhere, just arriving at the part where I have ‘found’ myself and the key to loving who I am and achieving Happiness in my life. Surely this is the turning point of my story and now I eagerly wait for the rest of the chapters to fall into place.    

I was always ‘big boned’ as a child, or so I was told. I remember having to shop in the Husky Section of girls clothing in K-Mart as a little girl and pre-teen. How I hated looking up to see the big sign hovering over me, “HUSKY- size 13-24”. The Husky clothes were never as fashionable or pretty as the regular clothes, and who wants the word Husky emblazoned on the back pocket of their jeans in 4th grade? My butt was already bigger than the other girls so I didn’t need anything more added to the picture. But I lived in small Coastal BC town and this was all we had to choose from. I didn’t have a choice.    

My mom did tell me in 4th grade; when I started to develop hips and breasts, that it was just baby fat and boy, would I knock the boy’s socks off once I hit high school. She assured me it would all melt away to reveal the lovely, shapely woman I was to become. I longed for those days. I did become more developed than most of the other girls in my class however and although I wasn’t grossly overweight then- I certainly wasn’t slim either.    

High school was fairly uneventful and truth be told I liked it this way. It took all my energy to muddle through those years on the brink of acceptance to several peer groups, but not really finding a place to call my own in any of them. I had best friends, I did good in school and I was sociable at all the right times. I was however simply ‘just there’ I believe. I seriously doubt I could have handled much more than that. I was ever aware that I was bigger than the other girls in my grade, a little fleshier…but in hindsight, I can see now my perception of my body was totally blown out of proportion based on the images I was surrounded with.    

My 20’s were the hardest years I’ve lived so far. I wanted to be someone I clearly wasn’t and would never be so bad, that I stopped living for myself. I became the person others wanted me to be; the life of the party, the constant comedian, the belle of the ball. I tortured my body and mind with bouts of starving myself to taking laxatives to try to be the slim model-stereotype I was bombarded with on TV and in magazines. I walked around in a fog most of the time because my body was craving nourishment and my soul was craving love. I never did achieve that model body- I realize now it’s because my body, my bones, will NEVER be that small. It’s just not physically possible. What I achieved instead was a constant merry-go-round ride of weight loss and weight gain. Up and up, round and round I went every day until the pain became too much for me to handle anymore… fast forward to 2010…    

 I’m deliberately skipping out the years from this moment to now…I promise to come back and blog about them shortly. I wanted to say though, that in my 30′s now I’ve learned so much about who I am, what I’m capable of and what I truly do want. Yes I still have these ideals in my head of what I SHOULD look like, but I don’t believe I damage my body or my health anymore. I understand my body shape and size. I understand now I won’t ever be a size 4- it’s just not possible and truthfully it would look totally wrong on my frame, I’m sure.    

I’m still not the woman I want to be 100% but I’m damn close and no longer have unattainable goals…I’m just me and I’m trying hard to be more than ‘just here’. I’m in the moment now.